A Blog Is Reborn

It became increasingly obvious to myself that I was not being 'real' enough here. The writing was simply not confessional enough--lacking authenticity. I was left feeling like I was too busy 'talking around the central issues' of my life at this point, and not busy enough dealing with what is confronting me in stark terms.

Of course, there is some fear and trepidation in being too confessional. I may reveal too much. Maybe I won't be seen by others how I wish to be seen. Maybe I will be looked down upon if people see me for who I really am. Perhaps I will be scorned and castigated if I reveal the hoary details of my life.

Or maybe I will feel shame over my own existence if I dare confess the man I have become.

That last one is probably nearer to the truth than those other concerns. In fact, I can feel it. I can feel how much I hide, have been hiding. I can feel the 'withdrawn self' wanting to hide from the light of day for fear of being revealed as the 'monster' he is/I am. I can feel not wanting to disclose the messiness within, the heart of darkness that is this man. I can feel myself not wanting to confront my own person--and how my previous attempts at writing were these earnest attempts to hide from myself.

And I can feel how that just will not do any longer. I can feel the confrontation building within--that monumental moment where I... I... I must must starkly face who I am; including the choices I have made, the choices that I didn't--meaning, the sins of commission and omission alike that in my acknowledgement of stand to break open that fragile facade of a character I had become.

A character unreal. A character I am hoping to sacrifice for something far more real and authentic.